Budweiser will be renaming themselves “America” this summer, and are rebranding their bottle and can labels accordingly. Each element on the existing design will be replaced with something that screams “U-S-A!” louder than a bald eagle pissing Four Loko into the Grand Canyon while in a headlock administered by a Tuscaloosa frat boy on Ritalin. I mean look at this thing:
See that? The beer’s commercial description below the lip is now the “Star-Spangled Banner.” You see “King of Beers” on the left? Well flush that monarchistic way of thinking down an AMERICAN STANDARD toilet, because this summer we are OUT OF MANY, ONE. Oh and don’t think you are going to see an “Anheuser-Busch” product when you tip it back 179° to suck out every last drop of GOLDEN FREEDOM OIL, because the last thing your eyes will see in your hand is a reminder that you are drinking LIBERTY & MOTHERFUCKING JUSTICE FOR ALL.
All of this had me and my friends thinking: is there anything Budweiser can do next to top how American this is? One of my buddies thought they hit a ceiling with last year’s Lady Liberty-inspired design. But this year’s clearly outdoes that. Here’s what we came up with:
- The US State Department oversees the flowing of Budweiser from our taps in lieu of water
- Every bottle is affixed to the groin area of its own Uncle Sam statue
- Each case of Budweiser comes with a Constitutional amendment allowing you to marry it in a state of your choosing
- In a co-promote with Ball Park Franks, you get a six-pack for every hot dog you eat (limited to only 30 hot dogs per customer per day)
- Comes with a $50 voucher to your local tattoo shop to get a Calvin peeing on an Osama bin Laden drinking a microbrew
- Bottles are personally signed by Dale Earnhardt Jr. and left in your fridge after he plows your wife while you’re on a business trip
- App-powered on-demand delivery of Budweisers do your doorstep by Clydesdales wearing oversized Big Dog t-shirts (for the true #Budheads out there)
This year’s promotion starts on May 23 and lasts until the November election, when it will then rebrand as “Canada” out of embarrassment.