We are one week into the 96-week MLB season, so let’s check in on how this projected world-beater of a 2019 Yankees squad is faring thus far:

Not great, Bob! Troy Tulowitzki is the most recent addition to that injured list, having been taken out of Wednesday’s game for not having enough potassium in his body to keep everything below his waist from shredding to bits at a moment’s notice, which should come as a surprise to absolutely no one. Both Giancarlo Stanton and Miguel Andjuar were added just at the beginning of this week in some cruel non-April Fools joke, Didi is probably out until July, and imminent retiree CC Sabathia isn’t even on the list because his bad heart just might not be able to take it anymore.

Despite all of that, the lineup that now takes the field each day still has a higher payroll than most of the league, but can’t even scrape together a convincing win against these bottom-tier teams to start off the season, needing a Gleyber Torres and Luke Voit laser show to spoil the AL East-leading Orioles’ (WHAT) home opener yesterday.

As we know it’s a long season; the boys get a day off today, and the Red Sox stink as well, which is as great of solace as I can appreciate right now. But we are only eight days in and I already hate all of my predictions from last week. Hopefully things will turn around by the end of the month or I might just have to delete this blog altogether.